New Tales from the Borderlands Game Review
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One could say that Tales from the Borderlands, which came out in 2014, is the best game in the Borderlands series. Now, please wait. Don't start typing your angry responses just yet. Listen to us.
Sometimes you want to play a big V big G video game that has you running, jumping, shooting, and looting, and the suitable Borderlands games are a good choice. But it's hard to ignore that as the shooting got better, the dialogue got worse, and the jokes got more annoying.
Tales is probably the best game in the series if you look at how well it does what it sets out to do in its genre. It's funny, has an exciting story, has likable characters, and can even make you cry. No one was as shocked as we were by that. A Telltale Borderlands game? Madness! It worked, in any case.
Eight years later, we have New Tales from the Borderlands, which is less of a follow-up to the original Telltale game and more of an alternate-reality version of the same idea. What would have happened in 2014 if Gearbox hadn't worked with Telltale when they were at the top of their game to make a Borderlands game with a better story? So, this is what happened. And it's not true.
New Tales takes place after Borderlands 3, but you don't need to have played any other Borderlands games to understand the story. You'll control three different characters at different times during the ten-hour adventure.
Anu is an intelligent but nervous scientist who is a pacifist but works for a company that makes weapons. Fran sells frozen yogurt from a hoverchair. She has trouble controlling her anger. And then there's Octavio, a hipster idiot who is introduced to us in a cutscene where he tells a pizza delivery person off for having a "problematic" Italian accent.
The three heroes aren't characters—they're just vehicles for the next dumb joke. Anu, for example, is the most intelligent person in the group until a joke needs her to be stupid. She can solve complex physics problems one minute and not know how a door handle works the next. And that's where the joke ends. LOL.
Fran and Octavio both have problems. Fran's whole personality is based on her talking about frozen yogurt, offering creepily to give people mouth-to-mouth when it's clear they don't need it and punching people hard. All done. Octavio always does the dumbest thing to make the story go on a little longer. At one point, he forgets what his workplace looks like, even though he's been there for half the game. They can use that zinger for about ten minutes.
There are different kinds of side characters. A robot assassin is probably the most exciting and well-rounded character in the game because they are morally conflicted about how they make a living. A woman does much shouting. There is a gun that fires and exclaims "Bang!" after each shot. Most side characters either go away for half the game and come back in the last chapter, or they don't do anything at all.
Rhys from the first Tales from the Borderlands has a small part in the first chapter. If you thought what they did to him in Borderlands 3 was a slap in the face to fans of the Telltale game, this won't make you feel any better. New Tales from the Borderlands doesn't just mess up its characters; it also messes up the original Tales from the Borderlands by making the main character just another Borderlands gag. So, thank you very much.
Every once in a while, in between the stupid jokes, there's a story to tell. It has to do with a magical rock that has the power to help people, but bad guys want to use it for bad things. It's a weak story with low stakes, and even though it's only ten hours long, it feels long because there are long, boring parts where nothing interesting happens to move the story along.
By the time we got to the last chapter, we no longer cared. We don't feel like any of the growth is earned or deserved. Then, when we got to the end, we were told that one of the main characters had died off-screen without explaining how or why. In that episode of The Simpsons, Poochie was killed when he tried to fly back to his home planet and crashed. Utter nonsense.
Even the music in New Tales sounds like a bad copy of the original. The licensed soundtrack of the first game was sometimes used very well. There are licensed music here, but it sounds like it was put together randomly. A cheesy montage of the group getting to know each other is set to a low-key, almost dream-pop song. Later, a quieter, more introspective scene is set to more upbeat, jaunty music.
You'll do most of the game by walking around, talking to people, solving simple puzzles, and making decisions. There are also minigames for hacking and fixing things, but it's almost impossible to fail at these, so we're not sure why they're there. Action scenes are handled by quick-time events, which are also forgiving. If you hit the wrong button, you can try again until you get it right.
In one of these quick-time events, a character fights sharks, which is so crazy that we must mention it. But instead of seeing them battle the sharks, Octavio talks about how fight is going while the button prompts to appear on the screen. It goes on for too long and is so not funny that we don't even know if it's supposed to be funny.
We don't know if the developer couldn't be bothered to animate the fight with the sharks or if this whole thing is some subversive commentary on the pointlessness of quick-time events that don't land. However, whatever the reason, let your old friends at Push Square give you a fiver's worth of free advice: if you have a shark fight, you show the shark fight. The shark fight is what everyone wants to see. It's a shark fight.
We can't think of a time when a sequel made us feel worse than New Tales from the Borderlands did. We wanted to like it. We would have been okay with liking it. We hate this game, however. This ten-hour story feels four times as long as it needs to be. The characters are terrible, and the jokes are awful and never funny. It's a colossal failure, and the only good thing about it is that it's one of the few times a sequel is so bad that it ruins the original.
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